Bring the Dream to Life

 "I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly because you tread on my dreams." –W.B. Yeats

I recently discovered this quote and the short poem it’s found in. It captivated me because I understood immediately what the poet was trying to communicate…that his greatest wealth and treasure lies in his dreams. He is saying that there is a vulnerability when we share our hopes and dreams with others. To share your dreams with others is a courageous thing and so he says tread softly...walk softly upon them when I lay them out before you. Please speak life and not death over my dreams! Believe in my dreams with me. Believe IN me. Believe WITH me.

How often do we secretly shoot down and scoff at other people's dreams? They tell us what is in their heart and what God is speaking to them and we smile and say “awesome!” but deep down we think “get a plan B honey.” I know this because I have done this and I have also disregarded my own dreams in the same way. How often do you tell yourself, “no, that's not really possible. Not in real life.” Recently, as I have shared with people my dreams of returning to Thailand and the things I want to do while I am there, I realize how deeply it affects me when someone encourages those dreams and gets excited with me and for me. I also feel the cloud of depression and utter hopelessness when I feel that maybe I’m alone in believing in these big dreams. I understand completely why young people give up so quickly on their God-given dreams and settle for something more “realistic.” During these transition times coming off the mission field, there are many times I have felt completely alone and hopeless…and when there is no longer hope there is no longer any dreaming…and when there is no longer any dreaming, there is only death.

But the good thing about when death creeps in and painfully smothers your dreams is that there is then the opportunity for Jesus to step in and do what He does best…raise dead things to life! I have many dreams. I want to write books, preach, teach, sing, learn guitar (I just began!), and study abroad. I want to continue on to grad school for maybe a Masters of Divinity (why not?). I want to write a book about orphan justice and child slavery in Thailand and Southeast Asia. I want to start a ministry that could help every orphanage in the world that is falling apart and unable to take good physical and spiritual care of their children. I want to plant a church in Mexico one day. And these are just a few!

So what have I learned over these last couple months? There is power and there is life in believing in one another. Let’s believe in the dreams of others! Let us come together and encourage each other to never give up. Let’s truly be “little Christs” and breathe life into each other’s dry bones and dead dreams! I am excited to return to Thailand with your support to be a part of raising up “the rescued” who will in turn rescue others! The once trafficked, enslaved, abandoned children of Thailand and Myanmar and the future children to be rescued need to know they are chosen to spread the Gospel to the most unreached parts of the world from whence they came. They are to rescue the children who were once doomed to the same fate. I want to breathe life into their dreams in the same way I know others will come alongside me and breathe life into my own. Join me in bringing these dreams to life!

This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these dry bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.-Ezekiel 37:5 

Donate here: gofundme.com/cristinainthailand
Check out the organization I will be working with: lifeimpactintl.org
 

I'm In the Palace

I'm sure many of you are familiar with the story of Esther. It's a story similar to that of a Disney princess movie. A King of great wealth who rules over a vast empire is in search of the most beautiful girl in all the land. A Jewish, orphan girl named Esther is one of the many young women brought to his palace to see if she will be chosen as queen. The King ends up choosing Esther to be the royal queen, a crown is placed on her head and she has great favor with all who reside in the palace.

Then the crisis happens: the evil villain Haman, the most powerful official of the King, convinces the King to issue a decree that Jews all across the land are to be destroyed. Esther's very own people are to be killed. Mordecai, Esther's relative who had adopted her when her parents had died (if this were a Disney movie he would have been her fairy godfather), instructs her to go to the King and beg for the lives of her people. Esther replies in fear that she could be killed for going to the King without being summoned for.

I have read and heard Mordecai's reply many times in my life but this time, it was a different phrase that really struck me and pierced to my soul: 

"Don't think for a moment that because you're in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?"-Esther 4:13-14

Esther was in the palace. She was living the dream. Chosen out of hundreds of other beautiful girls, Esther was Queen of a huge, wealthy empire and living a wonderfully comfortable life safe inside her palace while outside her palace walls, her people were suffering and broken, in need of rescue from imminent danger. I understood then. That I am Esther. I live in the palace. Not only have I never lacked any of the material things such as food, clothes or a nice home, I have even been blessed with a loving family, an incredible church family, a top education and so much more. I am more than comfortable and protected. I am privileged. I have the ultimate, comfortable Christian life. I know the Truth and I know my Savior. I have been rescued from hell and am destined for a glorious eternity in heaven. I am in the palace. 

Who is suffering outside of my walls? From my perspective, a girl about to leave for Thailand in a couple days to serve with a non-profit (Life Impact International) who rescue children from the evils of human trafficking and modern day slavery, I know who is suffering and who God has long put a burden on my heart to help save. I think of the babies who are sold on the border of Thailand for only $18 to be mercilessly abused and will end up dead if not rescued soon. I think of the little boys and girls I worked with in an orphanage in Mexico this past summer and of their painful stories of horror and abuse many times at the hands of their own parents. I am haunted by their stories of unthinkable pain and I hear their cries from all around the world. Not a day or night goes by when I don't think of them, all the beautiful children I have come to know and love, and the ones I have yet to meet...all abandoned, lost, living in hell and in desperate need of the healing love of Jesus. Now that I know, I can't go back into my palace walls.

I thought of Jesus' words as he spoke of the final judgment and of who would and would not inherit the kingdom: "I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me." I can't refuse any longer. Just like Esther, I must step out of my comfort zone and heed the call. I can no longer keep quiet. Not only I, but the church is here for such a time as this to work together to help the least of these. Today, 20-30 million people are suffering from modern day slavery. 26% of slaves are children under 18.  All around the world and even here in our own American cities, the cries and desperation of the voiceless and enslaved are all around us. Let us no longer keep quiet. Let us all do our part. I know I will. 

Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.-Isaiah 1:17

To learn more about Life Impact International, go here:
http://www.lifeimpactintl.org/#/home/what-we-do

Why I Am Going to Thailand

 In only a few weeks I will be going to Thailand to serve with Life Impact International, a non-profit that works to rescue children from trafficking and abuse. This is why...

 I am going to Thailand because I consider my life worth nothing; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me...(Acts 20:24).
I am going because I have been given so much and to whom much has been given, much is required in return (Luke 12:48).
I am going because all my life, I have been showered with more love and more security than anyone deserves in a lifetime.
I am going because God's heart is always leading us to help the least of these...the fatherless, the outcasts and the needy whose lives are so precious to Him (Ps. 72:14).
I am going because God's heart is calling us to bring justice to the orphans and to the oppressed so that mere people can no longer terrify them (Ps. 10:18).
 I am going because I have parents who love me so much they worry when I take my dog out for a walk at night and call me to make sure I am safe in my middle-class, suburban neighborhood while there are babies all around the world whose own parents sell their little bodies for sex and slave labor. 
I am going because I have always known since I was 9 years old that I would give my life away for the Kingdom's cause and have never desired a career just for the money or security.
I am going because the moment I allowed Jesus into my heart at the age of 20, he wrecked it and completely destroyed it for ordinary.
I am going because Jesus wrecked the American dream for me forever until I could no longer dream of being happy with a normal life.
I am going because I want God to continually shatter my own dreams and desires....and lead me into the most narrow and unexpected path for me because that is where my faith will grow the most.
I am going because I am learning to stay attached to God only and to let Him hold my heart always for I cannot allow it to remain in only one place because I never know where He will call me next.
I am going because all I want to do is be in the will of God no matter what that requires of me or where it takes me.
I am going afraid to a country where I can't even speak the language and traveling alone internationally by myself for the first time because I know the Holy Spirit is always with me and He will never leave me (Matt. 28:20).
I am going because I know wherever God ends up calling me to after this trip, I will go...whether He tells me to stay here and be a missionary in my hometown of Ventura, CA, or whether it is to go back to Thailand or another nation---I would do it for Him.
I am going because I trust that God is a loving Father and He gives good gifts...that our relationship is similar to that of a father smiling down at his little girl, asking her okay, where do you want to go next!? And when I tell Him, he says "Let's go and do that together!" (Ps. 2:8)
I am going because for those of you who know my story of the last four years of my life...you know that I have made what may seem to many as pretty crazy, almost stupid, wild decisions to follow Jesus and I thought to myself, hey I'm only 23 years old, why stop now?
I am going to Thailand because if I do not go, then who will?

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"-ISAIAH 6:8

To help me finish raising all the funds for my trip, go to this link to read more and to donate:  https://www.youcaring.com/sendcristinatothailand

A City of Hope

It happens during playtime.

We are sitting together off to the side but still surrounded by children running and playing all around us.

A ball rolls over to us and we gently kick it back in the direction it came from.

I look at her. This beautiful teen girl with soft, dark brown curls adorning her sweet face. 

She proceeds to tell me her story. 
It is a story of unimaginable pain and abuse. 

She tells me I am the first person she has ever opened up to in the six years that she has lived here at the home.

She tells me that she has not even one happy memory from her childhood. Not one.
I tell her I believe that God has already begun her story of redemption.
That He wants to redeem every hurt, every pain, every happiness and childhood innocence that was taken from her.
We talk a little bit about her hopes and dreams.
After she leaves, I sit by myself and try to piece it all together.
To process all the details of her life she had just shared with me and connect it with the sweet, shy precious girl I have come to know and love this summer. 
God, why this girl and her little sister that I have come to love like my own? 
Why them?
Just...
Why?  
.........
And then.
Life goes on.
Just like that another heavy-hearted night passes by.
I go about as usual.
Morning comes. A new day. 
I write her a letter filled with Bible verses.
Verses of God's promises and His love to her.
Telling her I am praying for her healing and restoration.
That I love her. I give it to her. Praying and hoping more can be done for her.
Praying for the rest of all the teens and children at the home with similar pasts and unspoken pain.
Once again I strive to reconcile this with the God I know, love and serve.
Father to the fatherless.
Comforter.
Healer. 
Savior.
Everlasting.
My best friend.
Jesus.
This is when it hits. This is when it's real.
When I realize that I have spent almost the entire summer in a home of abandoned, orphaned, mistreated children and it really sinks in.
That every child I have to come to love and know personally is walking around with this unthinkable pain that I have never known.
Father to the fatherless...
I think of all the Bible verses about God and orphans.
All those verses that say that God Himself cares for them over and over.
The verse that says that He will never leave US as orphans. That He will come to us....(John 14:18)
He does care.
This I believe.
And that is why I am here and why this children's home exists.
Why the church exists.
The Lord will take US in the Bible says.
We.
We have been taken in.
We were not forsaken.
We never will be. 
And so we the church must do the same.
Take them in. ALL.
In our neighborhoods. Communities. Cities.
Internationally.
Children who suffer from abuse and neglect all around us. 
The innocents.
Just as Jesus was innocent.
Bruised, abused, beaten, and unjustly mistreated...
He knows what it felt like to be abandoned in that moment on the cross when He called out for His father...
He knows. He understands.
He took me in.
He has taken us all in. 
When we didn't deserve it.
With a love more faithful than the true love of a good father or mother. 
May every hurting heart..every abandoned, mistreated and abused heart come to know Him. 
He who heals, restores and redeems.
May every heavy heart including my own cling to the hope that is found only in Him.
In this Ciudad de Niños, the City of Children, may we find our hope only in you Jesus.


For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.-Psalm 27:10 

God Knows Me

This place hurts me.

This children's home in Mexico called the City of Children.
But God knows. 

God knows the pain that is here.

God knows.

God knows the pain of every broken heart.

And what is always the hardest for me to truly believe and accept...is that God knows me. 

That God knows my own pain. 

That he cares. 

I asked Him to break my heart for this place and He did and He does. 

Every single day. 

Every single day I am reminded of the pain of others. 

There is the beautiful baby girl who only recently arrived here who cries far too often in fear who hurts me. There is the bubbly and very loving teen girl who confided in me her story of being abandoned and raising her younger siblings herself selling food to stay alive that hurts me. The little toddler with sad, sad eyes, who couldn't stop clinging to people when he first came to the home who misses his mother...he hurts me. The dorm mothers here...they hurt me as I learn of their own need and desperation for love and their own heartache from relationships and having to be away from their own children and families working and living here 6 days a week. I see the heartache of the directors who must deal day in and day out with the children's bad behavior, discipline, who have to see the children brought here and then sometimes taken away, and the crushing disappointment they feel when some of the older children choose to run away from the home. The tears of the Americans who come for a week to lavish the Father's love on the kids here and hold a VBS for them every week (we host a different team every week), and the tears that fall down their cheeks as they say goodbye to the children...it hurts me because it reminds me that my time to say goodbye to the children will come for me too. Then there is my own personal heartache in being away from my family and my home church experiencing church in a way that is much different and colder to me.  Heartache from feeling shut out from God's presence and my moments of desperation and fear that He is not with me. 

Yet, there are also moments of hope and restoration. I cried openly one night during a bible class for the younger girls ages 8-10 when as part of their class, they wrote thank you letters to their dorm mother. As each little girl gave their dorm mother their card, I watched as she held them close in her arms for a very long hug, and kissed them as tears rolled down her face. I cried with joy that hurt because I understood that these little girls are loved here and although they are not with their biological parents, God has brought them a mother who does and is helping fill the void that was left in their little hearts. All of this hurt is too overwhelming for me and my limited human understanding of this world. This has been and will be a continuous process of learning and knowing the pain of others...trying to resolve within myself and with God...that it all has a purpose. That He can mend and heal it all. That He can mend and heal my own heart. That this pain really should lead us all to Him. God knows me. He knows my pain. He knows my heartache that will never be fully healed until I rest in His presence with him for eternity. He knows your pain. Your joys. Your sorrows. God knows. And He cares. In this children's home called the City of Children, this place that hurts me, where behind almost every face I see holds a story of pain, I am learning to find comfort in the simple fact that God knows. He sees, He comforts and He has a plan of redemption for each and every one of us....each of us with our orphan hearts, none of us perfect, none exempt from heartache, all of us searching to be reunited at last with our Father who made us and loves us with a love that is overwhelming and complete. 

 

O Lord, you have examined my heart 

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up. 

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

-Psalm 139:1-3

 

Come With Me to the City of Children

I am incredibly excited, honored and humbled to inform you all that on May 19, I will be heading down to the City of Children orphanage in Ensenada, Mexico. I will be living there as an intern for the entirety of the summer until late August. This opportunity is an answered prayer and the culmination of a dream and desire God placed in my heart since I was nine-years-old! Let me explain why. 

During the spring of 1999, my dad heard strongly from God to go as missionaries to his hometown in Mexico and so, he and my mom packed up all five of us kids at the time, me, my two sisters and two brothers, and drove down in our old van to live in Lobatos, Zacatecas, Mexico for six months. Lobatos is the name of the tiny pueblo where my father was born and raised in, and I lived with my family in this pueblo in a tiny house across the street from my grandparents. My parents shared the gospel with our family members and others throughout the village whom God led them to and helped out at a small local Christian church that had been planted by pastors from Texas. Although I had visited Mexico a couple times before with my family, this was the trip that I will remember forever. The first time I was awakened to the fact that I could have lived a very different life if both of my parents had not immigrated from Mexico to the United States and when I realized that there were people in other countries who lived with so much less than I did and this was normal life to them. I have never forgotten my entire family driving a little boy who had been accidentally burned by boiling water to the nearest city hospital which was about a half hour away. I remember the smell and feel of driving over dusty, pebbly dirt roads to get anywhere, the slow-paced, relaxed, dreamy atmosphere of everyday life, smearing fireflies on warm summer nights across my abuela's huge black gate with my Tía Margarita until it shone with neon green streaks, falling asleep to the sounds of my dad's footsteps as he walked around our little house at night with a flashlight trying to find and kill any scorpions that might be lurking about our beds, and driving out to the countryside to share the gospel with a few isolated families who lived outside of the pueblo up on the mountains and being fascinated by knowing that they bathed in the nearby creek because they had no running water. They told my parents that many Christians had come to them before with their Bibles and they had always turned them away, but, for some reason, they couldn't find it in themselves to do that to us but always welcomed us and were eager to talk about Jesus with my parents while us kids roamed about exploring with their children. 

As young as I was, that experience changed something within me and after we came back home, I clearly remember telling my pastor that I wanted to be a missionary when I grew up. Since then, I've  had the world on my mind and the underprivileged and the poor, the starving, orphaned and abused children of the developing world have been a burden on my heart. I finally had my first opportunity to go on an international service trip through Pepperdine University my junior year of college. I visited an orphanage for the first time in Monte Cristi in the Dominican Republic where we stayed for an entire week with the organization Orphanage Outreach. I fell in love and felt immediately at home in this Caribbean hispanic nation. It was like a very tropical version of the Mexico that I knew. More than anyone on my team, I truly came alive and was able to bond with the children at the orphanage immediately mainly because I was one of the few of us who spoke Spanish. We stayed in tents on the grounds of the orphanage and I spent all the time I could with the children when we weren't teaching English at a nearby elementary school. I met a girl who was interning at the orphanage for a year and I remember admiring her quiet dignity and pure love for the children. I could tell that she was unflustered by and accustomed to all the short-term teams such as I my own that came through the orphanage. There was a steadiness, a maturity and beauty of spirit that I admired about her. I wanted to be just like her. I couldn't wait until the day I could come back and stay for a much longer time just as she was doing. 

The last day we were there was a beautiful day. I was playing with one of the little girls and swinging her around and around to her great delight. I remember stopping and then she looked at me and asked me, "can you stay here to live with me?" I told her "let's ask God if He will let me." We both looked up at the beautiful, unending blue sky together and then she looked into my eyes and with a huge smile on her face said, "God told me yes!" My heart broke in two. I wanted to stay so badly. On the bus that drove my team back to the airport came along another girl who had been been an intern at the organization for 6 months and I was crying just as much as she was although I had only been there for a week. When I got back to Pepperdine, I remember laying down on my dorm bed as the tears streamed down my face. I called my mom because I was worried about a pain in my chest and I was wondering if I should call the doctor. It literally felt like there was a hand just squeezing my heart...it hurt that badly. I guess this is what genuine heartbreak felt like. I had never experienced it before and it scared me. 

A year after my trip to the Dominican Republic, my next mission trip was to Uganda, and two important things happened. 

1. I fell in love with Jesus and entered into a personal relationship with Him.

2. My entire perspective on mission work shifted from just a humanitarian perspective to an eternal, godly perspective.

My mission trip to Uganda through my church internship program was entirely different because after encountering and embracing the true love of Jesus for myself, all I wanted to do was share that same love and knowledge of the transformation that God can work in any life and any heart, a love that crosses all boundaries. I learned about the body of Christ and that every believer is given specific gifts to build each other up and gifts designed to be laid down for the Kingdom of God. I learned that when God breaks your heart for someone or for a group of people, it's usually because He is calling you to go to them, to share the love of Christ with them and to make disciples of them. 

In Uganda, it was like watching the Bible come to life. I saw what spiritual warfare looks like in the physical realm. We prayed for people who were demon-possessed and prayed for the sick. We saw and felt demonic oppression. I realized that prayer is truly a weapon and that is how we fight and overcome. I realized that humanitarian work can only do so much. I realized that no matter how much good we do for people materially in the developing world, (building houses/schools/orphanages, giving medical care, food, clothes, etc.), no matter how much humanitarian work we do (and Christians are called to do this of course), if we are not bringing new souls into the Kingdom and seeing people saved, baptized and discipled in the local church as well, then we are not loving them as God has called us to love them by introducing them to the same reality of God's love as we ourselves have encountered. This is a war between life and death. We must share the gift that we have received...the gift of salvation and eternal life above all else. Now that I know that God is a God who brings healing, physically and spiritually, who brings freedom, who breaks addictions and loves us so extravagantly, I know what my mission is, at home or abroad. I came back home from my trip to Uganda almost as messed up as I had been after returning from the Dominican Republic. I cried for two days straight and couldn't understand why God would do this again: why would He break my heart for Uganda...for the beautiful people and culture there...for the wonderful friendships I had made in such a short time when I couldn't see any chance of returning there anytime in the near future? Then I understood. I understood that God had allowed me to feel along with Him just a little bit of His heart for this small piece of the world. I understood just a little bit of how God's heart breaks for His people of every nation, tribe and tongue. If I could feel that much love in my heart, then I couldn't even fathom how big the heart of God must be and how much more the brokenness of the entire world must hurt Him. He was teaching me that I was no different from them and that He doesn't love me anymore than He loves any person from any other country, race, culture or background. I came back with a new passion to see people from my community come to know Jesus. I returned with a new perspective and new love for my neighbor here...in Southern California, for my city, my school, my co-workers, my family and friends.

I took this same perspective with me on my next mission trip to the Philippines through my internship program. I saw God moving and working mightily throughout that nation and was greatly encouraged by the incredible local church we were able to partner with while we were there. This is not "voluntourism" nor is it just a mission trip without a lasting purpose. As Christians, we must be extremely careful with our purpose and goals in missions. As I'm praying to devote hopefully the next year or more (only God knows) to international mission work, I want to be strategic in what I choose to be a part of. I want to go out with clear direction from the Holy Spirit (if He's not moving, then I'm not moving), wise counsel and confirmation from family and friends, and making sure wherever it is God sends me I am coming alongside the locals, supporting them and raising them up, supporting a local church that is already there or in the process of being planted and not taking away from it, being respectful of the culture and traditions of the country I am in, and bringing others to Christ and encouraging them in their walk with Him.

Which brings us to now, to the summer of 2014. I will be going back to the City of Children and I am so thankful to God that it will be for longer than just a week! I am so excited that it is in Mexico, my native land! Haha. Not really. It's my parents' homeland but I love it and I want it to become more and more a part of me because those are my people! At the home, there are 90+ children ranging from babies up to teenagers. I had previously taken a team down there from my university during my Spring Break in late February and so I was already able to make relationships and bond with several of the children and staff (almost entirely Mexican) already. I am most excited to continue and grow those relationships especially with the pre-teen and teen girls. I want to come along as an older sister and someone they can trust, and also not just be another American who comes and then has to leave them after only a week. I am excited to work on my Spanish and ability to translate (help me Jesus!) and hope to return by the end of the summer hopefully forgetting how to speak English. ;) As an intern I will be helping host the American teams that come weekly during the summer, helping translate for them and helping them run their VBS programs smoothly. I am hoping to learn all I can about the very difficult, many times heart-breaking work that goes into running a home for abandoned and abused children. Most of all, I want God to do a great work in my heart, to break my heart over and over again for what breaks His, until it's so broken that I completely forget all about myself and desire to only lay down my life for others, for his beautiful children just as He did for us. He has given me so much. He has given me a beautiful life...wonderful family, friends, mentors and pastors who love me and cherish me, an incredible education at excellent, beautiful schools, and parents who lavish their love on me and believe in me. He has done so much for me that my desire has never been stronger to lay it all down for Him...whatever it is He asks of me...even if it is to leave family, friends and everything I know. I just want to give it all up for Him and I know that His heart is for the orphan, the poor, the broken and the lost here in the states or abroad. Wherever it may be you are calling me, Lord I am ready. May the Father's love fill me up to overflowing every day and be poured out on every child and young person, every hurting and broken heart I meet. And so, I invite you to come with me to the City of Children and learn more about the Father's love with me in that place...

 "If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it."-Matt. 10:39

God Never Intended Us for Ordinary

This is the first blog I have ever written in my life. I don't even know where to start. All I know is that I have to write about how incredible God is and how He has proved Himself and His character to me over and over again in these last three years. Everyone must know the Truth: that God is real and that He extravagantly and unconditionally loves us. That He spends our entire (short and fleeting) lives pursuing us with His love. It is a love that is relentless and it is a love that at times shouts and screams of its existence at us if we would only take the time to listen for it. It's kind of like that Hot or Cold game...when the person who is searching is getting closer to the item that has been hidden, we begin to yell you're getting hotter (closer) or colder (farther away) in order to direct them to the hidden object they are searching for. There have been many moments in my life when I have been so close to God's love, could tangibly feel the warmth of his nearness and love, and I chose to ignore the voice of God telling me to stop, to enter into His blazing presence, to go no further, telling me I had finally found what I was looking for. If I would only stop, He would engulf me in the flames of His love and I would be Home.

The moment I finally let God's love in entirely and allowed it to transform me completely was the summer after my junior year of college at Pepperdine University. I had just transferred in that year and had moved away from home for the first time. I had thought that getting into my dream school would change my life completely. Life would be perfect now that I was finally away from my hometown and family. My life would finally begin and I would be able to travel the world and live happily ever after. Until, it didn't. It actually wasn't everything I thought it would be. My troubles, insecurities, low self-esteem, loneliness, depression and family issues and brokenness didn't just go away. Finding the right Christian community I needed didn't quite happen for me at Pepperdine that year. I was still just as lost as I'd ever been.

Yet, God is strategic. He had a plan and the plan was for me to fall head-over-heels in love for Him that year. It happened. It wasn't coming to a Christian university that led me to Him but rather, it was a pastor, his family, and a team of young leaders that moved to Ventura that same year. It was a church called the City Church. The first time I met Pastor Jude, I noticed right away he was different from any pastor I had ever met before. He was genuinely interested in who I was and wanted to know everything about me. He was immediately so encouraging and uplifting I was even slightly alarmed and uncomfortable. I had never ever met anyone, especially not a pastor, like him before. He had faith in me from the very beginning and his genuine love for every person he encountered is what drew me and my entire family to the church. Throughout the year, I found myself getting more involved with my new church family there (I had never met Christians who were that full of life and who had more fun inside and outside of church than anybody I knew!) and drawn to come home to church on the weekends to feel and experience God in a way I never had before. It was a church where God's presence was tangible and his Spirit was very present. My heart would beat furiously every time and I felt nervous. I knew He was knocking and yet, I didn't want to allow Him in to my heart just yet.

So, back to the moment of surrender when I just lay it all down. Summer after my junior year, I came home to the City Church and I knew it was now or never, all or nothing. In a youth service, I went up to the altar to dedicate my life to Him, hands lifted up in complete worship and surrender. As I did so, I felt waves of relief rushing over me and a calming, comforting love pouring out over me like a waterfall. I felt that I had finally come home. My life was changed forever. I met a girl named Laina, a girl with big, beautiful blue eyes and a beautiful soul. I had never met anyone with a heart as pure and good-hearted as hers. She was the perfect, God-given best friend at just the right time for me! She told me that the church (newly planted baby church though it was) was going to start an internship program and that she was considering doing it. I told her I wished I could do it too but I had one more year left at Pepperdine. She said I could just take a year off of school. Yeah, if it were only that simple I thought. I couldn't get this internship off my mind. It would be so stupid of me to consider taking my senior year off. So I actually drove to Pepperdine one day and asked them what would happen if I took a year off. They said I could take up to two years off without having to be re-admitted again, but the same financial aid wouldn't be guaranteed when I came back. It was a risk. But I didn't care. I was so happy and so excited to completely immerse myself in Jesus and devote all my time to grow in my newly-birthed relationship with Him! I had no idea what I was getting myself into. 

Thus began the two most incredible years of my entire life. You have to understand that this was a whole new world to me. 37 interns, young people around my age, coming from all around the nation including Hawaii (and even a  couple from Canada) to my small, little insignificant hometown of Ventura, CA? I didn't even know people did that. Interning for churches?? Young people who loved church and had fun at church, who could dance crazy and have better fun in church than the young people who were all up in the clubs? Who were passionate about Jesus and weren't super boring, second-generation, goody two-shoes Christians? They existed?! At City Church they did. For one year, which then eventually turned into two years since Generation Interns is a two-year program, I was trained and equipped by weekly Bible college classes taught by my pastor and other church leaders. We were trained in children's ministry, in worship, in youth ministry, media, administration, outreach ministry and encouraged to grow as leaders. Taught that we all have a unique role to play in the Kingdom and that we are all called to love and serve the local church with the individual gifts God has given us. Taught how to hear the voice of God for ourselves, taught to love the Bible and love prayer, but most importantly, we were taught to love the broken and the lost. I developed a deep, unshakeable, rooted foundation in the love of Christ in those two years. I gave him all my crap and allowed Him to change me from the inside out until I could no longer remember the person I used to be. My identity became rooted in who God had created me to be and who He said I was: "His masterpiece, His perfect creation, His beloved, blameless, purified and whole in His sight." I was precious and special to Him and called for greatness because I am His daughter. I went on life-changing mission trips to Uganda and the Philippines and saw great miracles happen and felt only more and more confirmation that God was calling me to the nations...realizing as I had known since I was 9 that I felt more at home in other countries than here in my own.

Then the two years ended. It was time to leave. I had wrestled with God for almost a year about the next step after I graduated interns. Returning to Pepperdine to graduate seemed like the most logical decision because, after all, I only had one more year left. It was a struggle. I didn't really want to go back and partly, I believe it was because I was afraid to. I wanted to be a missionary anyway so why would getting a college degree matter? I was asking God to give me opportunities or confirmation on going on a long-term mission trip maybe to Mexico or some other Latin-American country. It never came. So I continued to half-heartedly pursue returning to Pepperdine. I was re-admitted back in without having to apply so I saw that as a good sign. I got down on my knees several times calling out to God. Telling Him I didn't want to return but since that's what He wanted I was going to do it. I gave God my conditions that I required in returning to Pepperdine (So silly right? The audacity. And such attitude! Haha). I deserved it, I told Him, for having sacrificed and giving Him two years of my life already! First of all, He must provide financially since I didn't want to take out any more loans. It's a $60,000-a-year tuition school! Secondly, I wanted to be a spiritual leader to freshman girls. Lastly, I wanted lots of opportunities to share my testimony and I wanted to see revival break out over that campus.

This is what ended up happening. The summer before Pepperdine was one of the hardest of my life. Financially, it got to the point where it seemed that I would not be able to afford it. I had gotten back almost no financial aid. I had nowhere to live on-campus. This was mainly my fault as I had waited until the last minute to apply for on-campus housing and also, had barely applied for any scholarships. I had applied and been interviewed to be an SLA (Spiritual Life Advisor) which meant that I would be living in a freshman girls dorm as their spiritual leader. I failed to get the position to be an SLA, I had nowhere to live and no money. It was already August and school was starting in a couple weeks when all the miracles I didn't deserve happened for me one right after the other.

First, one of my friends I had made the first year I had been at Pepperdine told me she needed a roommate since hers had been asked last-minute to be an RA and asked if I wanted to be her roommate on-campus. Secondly, the grants and scholarships came in so quickly my financial aid advisor was shocked and told me that she honestly believed that God wanted me to come back. I was given almost $50,000.

So I came back to Pepperdine for my senior year and it has by far exceeded all of my expectations! Funny how God always works like that. ALWAYS. In the first week of school, I attended a worship service and was approached by the Campus Minister Thomas who didn't even know me, but who immediately after I had told him about my internship, asked me if I wanted to lead a house group, which are small groups that meet throughout the week in faculty homes. He said I was a Godsend since they were short on student ministry leaders this year. I said yes and ended up having a house group of mainly freshman girls! Getting to co-lead with my hilarious co-leader Wilson and do life with an amazing group of freshman girls and guys has been my favorite, most life-giving part of my senior year. I was also given countless opportunities to share my testimony, at our Student-led Chapel, in my small group, in my classes, with my professors and with many friends I made throughout the year. I was also asked by Thomas to lead a mission trip for Campus Ministry to the City of Children orphanage in Ensenada, Mexico. I couldn't believe that God had placed this opportunity in my lap so soon! Leading a mission trip to Mexico was so daunting to me, frustrating and alot of planning and preparation work, but once we arrived at the City of Children, God, of course, had provided and equipped us with all we needed. The beautiful children and staff of the home ministered to us in ways we never expected. I was blown away by God's goodness and faithfulness and learned a new love for my team---30 young people (including my mom who went with us) who are absolutely amazing and will forever hold a special place in my heart. On our second to last day there, one of the Mexican directors told me they wanted me to come back and intern there for the summer along with another intern if I felt that God was calling me to. I said YES. Of course. This is what God had in mind all along. I was in awe.

God is strategic. The journey he has taken me on in these last three years has been mind-blowing...it's a journey that has taken me back and forth in circles from the beginning to where I am now to giving me glimpses of HIS future vision for my life. He knows exactly what He is doing with my life and He has all along. I will never doubt again. And neither should you. Take risks. Say yes to God even when it doesn't make sense and it looks like there is not a hope in sight. As I approach my Pepperdine graduation day in only a few days, I look back on the last three years and I think of one of my favorite quotes by Lou Holtz: "I can't believe that God put us on this earth to be ordinary." I encourage you and implore you to not be afraid to enter into the extraordinary life God has for you! The greatest adventures await.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."-Ephesians 3:20